Thirteen Is Never Lucky

[ten_of_swords]

When Gorlim arrives, the room... the room is exactly like the one he just left.

The scents.

The furniture.

Gabriel's crib is at the foot of the bed, the couch still has Námo's discarded tunic on it, boots on the floor, the sapphire curtain on the window...

Although the room was decidedly vacant at the moment.

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[gorlim.livejournal.com]

It's the kind of scene you hear about in horror movies. Walking endlessly through empty rooms you know are yours. But this isn't his. It isn't anybody's.

Empty.

"Ruin?"

[ten_of_swords]

No one returns the call.

On the nightstand is a little handcarved feather, lovingly painted.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

It's tempting, very tempting to walk away. To say he came and no one was there, so let that be that and have only the one last night...

one last...

He straightens his back. He steps forward.

He is a Beoring, not some cowardly political loopholer. They made an agreement, and he would keep his end.

He wanders towards the table and picks up the feather. It is a fine copy, a very fine copy. He remembers carving this little scratch here, this nick, and painting it JUST so.

But it isn't perfect. It is memory, and he can tell there is a haze of difference from reality. Perhaps he only sees because he forces himself to see it.

"Ruin!" he calls again. "It's not like you to be late!"

[ten_of_swords]

The door opens and in he walks.

Barefoot. Wearing trouser and a loose shirt.

Inhuman blue eyes look at him, a smile that had been given to Gorlim so many times.

"Dove?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim jumps and spins around.

"Namo! What are you doing here?"

[ten_of_swords]

He gives Gorlim an odd look.

"Because I live here?" he says with a chuckle. "Are you all right?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim is suspicious.

"This is Ruin's room." He eyes Namo.

Something's Not Right here.

[ten_of_swords]

Again, he is given a Look.

"No. This is my room." He crosses the space and cups Gorlim's face gently. "Are you sure you are well? When I left, you were asleep. I was gone only a little while and I thought you would remain asleep until I returned."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim takes a step back.

"This," he says again, "is Ruin's room. It once was Andres'. This..." He looks around again, a knot of fear growing in his belly. "This is not real."

[ten_of_swords]

His eyes darken with hurt.

"Were you having another nightmare?"

Ruin refuses to give up. It was important to hold onto the illusion. Again, he comes closer, the scent of lilies and snow perfectly duplicated. His arms go around Gorlim's waist and he kisses him, softly, gently, cradling him against his body.

"Does that feel unreal, dove?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

He is tense.

Nervous.

His instincts scream at him to beware.

And yet...



...and yet they always do after a nightmare, do they not?

Had he awakened in time?

"What time is it? What day? I'm supposed to see Ruin..."

[ten_of_swords]

"It is evening. Just after supper. It is Monday. And remember, it is up to you when you meet with Ruin. I ensured that."

He smiles softly, kissing him lightly and sweetly.

"Your nightmares are worse?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

He takes a deep breath.

"No. I -- I don't remember. I walked into Ruin's room and I was here. Maybe..." He looks around and shakes his head, trying to make sense of the screaming unbalanced wrongness in his head. "I don't know."

His suspicion remains, but muted beneath a haze of uncertainty.

Because to a mind so tormented, a pretty lie is easier to believe if it makes what's real go away for a little while.

[ten_of_swords]

He leads him to the bed, pulling him down into his lap.

"Must you go to him tonight?" His voice is quiet. "Have you not given him enough this past week to have earned a small respite?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"There are only two more nights," Gorlim replies nervously. "After tonight... after tonight I can wait a little. But I want this ended. It's time for life. I've walked long enough in death. Time to be over. Time to be safe."

Time to know he's done something worthwhile.

[ten_of_swords]

His eyes darken.

"I am beginning to think you prefer his company to mine, Gorlim. Time for life. Whose life will that be?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim glances at him, meeting eyes with eyes for the briefest moment.

He's afraid. Afraid to look closer. Afraid that doubt will be met with anger. And so he pushes the bond from his mind.

"Life," he echoes. "My life. Your life. My wife, my children, Nerdanel, my friends, our family. All I've done to protect them. All we are. It's time for me to show them how much I love them all. Show them why I had to do this."

He knows it's hurt them, too.

He'll make it up. To all of them.

[ten_of_swords]

"When it is over, and you no longer have need of me -- for you will have no need of someone to run to in order to heal your physical wounds -- where does that leave me?"

Hurt shines in liquid sapphire.

"You would take me riding in the moonlight but turn away from my kisses. You will lie beside me, but not with with me."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"No."

He steps -- one step, hesitant, cautious -- towards his lover (his dream?).

"Was I not yours before now? Was I not yours when I knew no other possibility but that this was life, as near as I could be to what I was once? And how can it be different once this is over? I will still be me. Gorlim. Just as I was when you met me. The wounds will heal, and the dreams will fade with time. There will be new trials, and there will be new joys. Had I any less wish to share them with you before I chose this path? Then why should there be any less after it? I swore that he would not part us."

Another step. A small sidling nearer, the wild fox dancing close to the bait, testing every inch for the trick that would spring the trap.

"Neither violence not peace shall be our ending."

[ten_of_swords]

He is quiet for a while, watching the fox-like Man.

"Nothing changes."

His eyes harden.

"Nothing ever changes. Not truly. Not for long."

Ruin stands up, lips in a grim line.

"Were you ever mine? Because, as I have endured this, endure so much for you, I begin to wonder. I am yours. Your lover in name. Your slave in reality. Always afraid to take, to demand, to desire because you never do."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

His eyes narrow a bit.

"I have said from the beginning that I would sooner part ways with you than make you my slave. I have said it. I say it again. I do not keep slaves, Namo. And I do not wish to confine you against any desire. I am trying. You know that. You know why."

He sways between coming nearer and hopping back.

Wild fox, wily fox, do these sweet grapes hide a thorny vine, or cover the teeth of a hunter's trap? Or are they truly as sweet as they seem?

[ten_of_swords]

"Always an excuse. Always another round of pretty words and sweet kisses to placate me."

He stands, stepping a little closer, too.

"Do not go to him tonight. Stay with me," he demands quietly, his eyes hungry with something new.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

He looks up at Namo. Looks past him to the door. He thinks of what awaits beyond.

He bites his lip.

"Namo... you know I must do this. I made a bargain. Two more nights. Just two. Only that, and we shall be free." Another step, another sway, the dance of hesitation. "Wait that long. Only that long."

[ten_of_swords]

"And if I do not?"

He steps closer still.

"If I do not let you walk out of here tonight?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim raises a brow. "Do not be absurd." But he smiles a little, almost flattered by his lover's attention, and his voice grows gentler. "I swear I shall come back to you tonight. I swear it. All right?"